[ILUG] Seattle earthquake explanation. (fwd)

[Justin Mason]

Here's some timely anti-MS humour.  Also, while I'm here -- a classic quote
from another mailing list post:

> The "socialism" of those that would impose thier "reasoned" methods
> versus the 
> 
> oops earthquakle gotaz run

!!

--j.

------- Forwarded Message

Date:    Wed, 28 Feb 2001 15:24:16 -0800
From:    Strata Rose Chalup <strata at virtual.net>
To:      fork at xent.ics.uci.edu
cc:      mchalup at incyte.com
Subject: Earthquake explanation.

Got this a few minutes ago, w/o attribution. I suspect it's older,
but has been exhumed and revised for topicality.

--------begin--------
                   Microsoft Test Nuclear Device 
 
 MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET OLYMPIA FACILITY 
 
 REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as 
 Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a 
 secret facility in Washington state. The device, exploded at 
 10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with 
 talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over 
 possible antitrust action. 
 
 "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by 
 any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not 
 that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears 
 shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath 
 of nuclear fire." 
 
 Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly 
 dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of 
 Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it 
 was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain 
 bike vacation." 
 
 In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government would 
 boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely.  Minutes later, the 
 President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since 
 lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President.  Instead, the 
 administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" 
 with Microsoft. 
 
 Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test 
 justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear 
 Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire 
 "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, 
 "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold 
 copies of Microsoft Bob." 
 
 Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival 
 operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a 
 radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium III 
 microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS 
 written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what 
 they deserve." 
 
 The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would 
 explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run 
 so hot.  The  Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in 
 electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should 
 finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." 
 
 Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in 
 California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're 
 doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to 
 the project.  The development of a delivery system is said to be 
 holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at 
 the moment." 
 
 Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was 
 rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about 
 deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was 
 the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one 
 hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product 
 a second time." 
--------end--------
-- 
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Strata Rose Chalup [KF6NBZ]                      strata "@" virtual.net
VirtualNet Consulting                            http://www.virtual.net/
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